Twilight and Breaking Dawn by Stephanie Meyer

I didn’t bother with the middle two books of the series because I’m like that. Normally I go right to the end of a book, read the last few pages, and see if I still want to read the whole thing.  Twilight was surprisingly enjoyable.  Breaking Dawn not so much.

I never ever planned on reading any of Stephanie Meyer’s books, for the same reason I never plan on watching any Monty Python.  Self respect.  I liked the movie Twilight well enough, and the book was on the kindle, so I thought “what the heck.”  It was my inner team girl’s dream come true.  The bad boy liking the unique, special girl I identified with, even though their love is wrong.  Steamy kisses, a lot of staring into each others’ eyes, and the promises of love forever.

It had part mystery, part love story, part action.  I liked the back story explaining away most of the popular vampire myths.  It never made sense why vampires would need to sleep (or in coffins for that matter).  Sleeping is when the body heals, vampires are dead, so why sleep?  Why should they be harmed by crosses, holy water, or the sunlight?  Other than someone said they should in another book.  I did like the streamlined version of a vampire Stephanie Meyer offered.  More animal like, more instinct and hunter driven.  It made Edward and the gang more likable and the story more believable.

The only problem with Twilight, and this is a big problem, is that Stephanie Meyer can’t get beyond the use of simple adjectives like perfect, beautiful, and angelic, and she has an insane amount of adverbs in there.  “Edward was so inhumanly, unbelievably, undubitably, bippitly, boppitly perfect.”  Even my inner 14 year old rolled her eyes.  Stephanie Meyer was an English major too, so I can’t understand the repetition of lame descriptions that goes on.  This is the only book I’ve ever read where I groaned out loud from the ridiculousness.  My boyfriend who read the book as well said it felt like Stephanie Meyer herself has an unhealthy obsession with Edward.  Agreed.  It does get weird.

I didn’t bother with books two or three because, well, I don’t like to read.  My boyfriend told me nothing happens in book two, they get engaged in book three, so I skipped to book four thinking that was where all the good parts where.  Breaking Dawn may be one of the few books I wish I could somehow unread.  A few days after I saw Harry Potter 6, I had the urge to see it again.  Not because it was good, but because my mind refused to believe that was it.  My mind did the same thing with Breaking Dawn.  For several days after finishing the book, I kept thinking I had to read the rest of it, but that was it.

Stephanie Meyer was so descriptive with the touching and the kissing in the first book that I thought, yeah, finally gonna get some vampire lovin’.  Nope, I didn’t even get that.  Just lame “intertwining of limbs until we became one.”  The first section detailing the marriage and honeymoon was a quick read.  The pregnancy was slightly intriguing.  But when the book switched over to Jacob’s point of view, I could have cared less.  I thought he was supposed to be a great romantic rival to Edward, but it seems he became their house dog.  He literally because their pet.  I skimmed the pages and if it didn’t mentioned Edward, Bella, or the stupidly named Renessme, I just went to the next page.

It was interesting when Bella finally became a vampire, but where Stephanie Meyer could have let Bella really develop into an amazing powerful fighter, she holds back because Bella’s “power” is self restraint.  Ugh.  Those were really the only interesting chapters.

The final section of the “great” end battle was like watching curling or chess.  No matter how you tell it, they are not exciting sports.  They are thinking games.  Not how you end a book series.  I wanted epic, instead there was pink shields, shimmery mist, and a lot of hissing.  One forgettable character died.  There were no stakes, no tension.  Just mind reading, looking fearful without any real reason to be.  Total fizzle.  I am all about romance and happy endings.  I want all of my movies to end with the lovers together and the bad people punished, everyone living happily ever after.  But the syrupy sweet ending of Breaking Dawn felt like I got cheated which made me not care about Edward and Bella’s happy ending.

I’ll still go to watch all four movies because hopefully Hollywood won’t disappoint me and they’ll make Edward and Bella work for their happy ending.  Or at least kill off way more people on the way.

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